When Sorry Doesn't Work | Jon Kidwell

Do you find yourself constantly saying "sorry" even when it’s unnecessary? This episode of the Leadwell Podcast tackles the delicate balance between apologizing and assertiveness in the workplace. Join us as we discuss how the habitual overuse of apologies can chip away at your credibility and self-worth. Drawing on expert insights from psychotherapist Beverly Engel and supporting data from various surveys, we shed light on the often-overlooked consequences of over-apologizing. We also share practical resources like "Redefine Your Servant Leadership" to guide you in refining your approach to leadership and communication.

Learn the art of effective communication by understanding when and how to apologize appropriately, focusing on the significant impact that avoiding unnecessary "sorries" can have on your professional relationships and self-respect. We cover strategies for reframing your contributions positively and setting clear boundaries, empowering you to confidently say no when needed. Through personal stories and actionable advice, this episode offers invaluable tools for fostering a more assertive and respected professional environment. Whether you're struggling to break free from people-pleasing habits or aiming to enhance your leadership skills, this episode is packed with tips and mutual support strategies to help you grow.

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Order your copy of Jon's book at RedefineYourServantLeadership.com, and don't forget to utilize the additional resources, or purchase access to the Workbook and Coaching Videos.

Send your Leadership and Business questions to Jon at podcast@leadwell.com.

For more information visit https://leadwell.com

The Leadwell Podcast gives mission-driven leaders principled and practical advice to do just that, lead well.

In each episode, your host Jon Kidwell, interviews leaders with great stories, to share strategies that help leaders navigate complex, confusing, and often down-right challenging leadership, personal growth, business, and workplace culture situations.

Jon is a nonprofit executive turned coach, speaker, author, and CEO of a leadership development company. In working with nonprofits and businesses, big and small, he realized the unique challenges leaders face when they are committed to keeping the mission and people the top priority. Those leaders’ commitment to their principles and the people they lead, plus seeing the need for more leaders who strive to do the right thing, the right way, for the right reasons, is what inspired Jon to start a leadership development company dedicated to the success of mission-driven leaders and their organiza...

Transcript

Jon Kidwell 0:03

Can you imagine if we opened the podcast and said hey, everybody, sorry to bother you again this week, but we've got a great episode for you, and sometimes we at work do things like that. So today we are talking about when we should and shouldn't say sorry at work, and we're gonna work our way through that. Let's dive in. Welcome to the Leadwell Podcast, the podcast for mission-driven leaders, where we dive into what is important for you so that you can lead your business and your people. Well, we are doing a summer series. It is short, meaning we're not going to do many of them, and the episodes are going to be short. And I'm not going to apologize for not having guests, because today we're talking about when sorry doesn't work and that would be a great example is we're doing something that's going to be great short summer content, a short break from guests and it is going to be wonderful for you all, for us, for everybody listening. There's no need to apologize. And yet I still want to and I'm guessing that you have those type of things as well, because you are a people first leader. You care about individuals, you want to be kind and be well thought of and be respected, and oftentimes there's that like cordial like oh I'm sorry to bother you, oh I'm sorry to bring this up, or I'm sorry to follow up on X, y and Z, and the problem with saying sorry, especially in things that we can't control and that are trivial and that aren't actually our fault, is it moves very, very quickly from being endearing to undermining us, our credibility, our leadership. Let's dive into a couple of surveys and what they say. There's an article from CNBC from a couple of years ago and they pepper their way through a bunch of different surveys, most of them European. But here's why and what they say we shouldn't say sorry for, we shouldn't over-apologize for things that we don't have control over, because this is what happens Quickly people will lose respect for us.

Jon Kidwell 2:12

In the book the Power of an Apology, psychotherapist Beverly Engel says that it's not so different from over-complimenting, right, kind of that. Like good feedback, like hey, good job for what? When we say sorry and it's not directly related to a mistake, a wrong, a fault, something we really sincerely need to apologize for, people start to lose respect for us. That this one is like oh yeah, aha, it diminishes future apologies. If I'm saying sorry for everything, then when I say sorry for the real things, all of a sudden they just don't seem to stick and that it becomes annoying or it kind of moving from endearing to undermining.

Effective Communication

Jon Kidwell 2:56

And then this one really surprised me. It's the European Journal of Psychology and they said that when we apologize for things that we don't actually need to apologize for, it lowers our self-esteem, it makes us think less of ourselves, almost like a subordination, that we go from being equal as individuals and kind of subordining ourselves in roles to thinking less of ourselves. Not thinking less, not thinking of ourselves, less humility, but actually thinking less of ourselves. And so we need to figure out when not to say sorry. And honestly, this was a big part of my journey in figuring out how to redefine my own servant leadership. And if you wanted to dive into that, if you are a recovering people pleaser, like I am, and this is something that you're like, ah, you're speaking my language and I just want you to get to the tips, what do I do? Go check out, redefine your Servant Leadership. You can get it at redefineyourservantleadershipcom. We talk about it as one of the myths. We talk about kind of boundaries and how I can come as a positionally and emotionally mature individual. So go check out the book.

Jon Kidwell 4:05

But that is not to keep us away from the fact that we're going to dive into a couple of things here. So again, when? When should we avoid saying sorry? Well, we should avoid it when it's something that we don't control, when it's really kind of trivial or when it is just it's our segue into getting into the meat of the conversation. And when should we actually apologize? Well, we should apologize when we're at fault, when we've made a mistake, when we need to convey our wrongness and our feeling of being wrong and that we want to repair that relationship and we want to restore how we work well together and showing that we're not perfect and that we have faults and flaws and that we want to grow through that, and that actually gives ourselves and our teams that growth mindset. So it's something that I wrote down.

Jon Kidwell 5:07

That I'm thinking about is you know, be polite, but don't confuse assertion with interruption, because that's a big one for me. So don't confuse assertion with interruption. We need to assert what's needed in situations. None of us get mad when the building's on fire and somebody's just coming in and saying you need to drop everything and get out of the building. Nobody in those situations says hey, I'm sorry to bother you, I haven't noticed. If you noticed that there's smoke around, but you need to leave, right, it's just boom. Sometimes an assertion is needed. So what are a couple of things that we can do? Here's the first one Apologize for faults, not feeling bad mistakes.

Jon Kidwell 6:02

When there is a wrong, an error that needs to be corrected, a relationship that has been broken. Apologize for faults, not just feeling bad. I feel bad when I can't attend all the meetings, but I also feel bad when I discredit the other priorities that I have, and so, instead of saying I'm sorry I can't attend the meeting, I'm sorry that I just thank you for considering me. Thank you for including me. I can't be a part of this meeting. Maybe next time it's just asserting that I've. Also. I just got a really great one where we invited somebody to be a part of something and they couldn't, and they just said thank you so much for thinking about me because of, and they laid out all of these other priorities that they have not all like it was this big laundry list, but a couple of them and that was just it. I'm not able to do this. Thank you for considering me, and it was wonderful. On the receiving end. I was like great, they understand their priorities and I can allow them to focus on those priorities as well.

Jon Kidwell 7:08

And so, number one apologize for faults, not just for feeling bad. Number two flip the script, like sometimes we say things like oh, I'm sorry for bringing this up, and then we bring up something that's really important, right. However, we've just discredited and kind of made it feel like oh, yes, this is an absolute intrusion to the progress of the meeting or to whatever ideas we had, and yet it was thoughtful, it was considerate, it's needed. It brings a different perspective. So, instead of saying sorry for bringing this up, just say something important for us to consider or something else that we may want to think about. And all of a sudden, it reframes it from an intrusion to an assertion. It reframes it from an obligatory oh, we've got to go here too. No, this is a valid and real thing that we need to look at, and especially for all of us that are thinking about people and business and the work that we do and why it matters. Those are wonderful assertions and contributions, because it's not just what, but it's why and it's how. And those aren't anything to apologize for. They're something to bring and to celebrate and to make sure are included. So flip the script. I'm sorry to bother you is another one, and we can flip the script on that by saying is now a good time to, and then put in the actual important thing Is now a good time to review what we talked about yesterday. Is now a good time for me to get clarification on your expectations around this project. Is now a good time for us to talk about the proposal that I sent to you two weeks ago. It's just it's asking a question, which is really what we're doing, and it's still a polite way to bring up the thing that we really need to talk about. So apologize for faults, not for just feeling bad. Flip the script.

Jon Kidwell 9:16

And then the last one that we can forego sorry, because it doesn't work all the time is we can get comfortable saying no. We don't have to say I'm sorry. No, we can just say no. No is a very clear, very specific, wonderfully beautiful short sentence and it's okay. Sometimes we just need to say no. And the beautiful thing about saying no is it actually releases us to say yes on other things, saying no to too many obligations and then actually having to apologize for breaking commitments. Saying no on the front end allows us to say yes to those obligations, those priorities, so that we don't have to apologize in the future for an actual warranted apology.

Jon Kidwell 10:07

Saying no also sets some of that boundary. Saying no gives permission to other people to also not have to overcompensate and over-apologize for things that are merely just endearing and kind of rote ways that we handle it and not actually keeping things focused on what is most important apologizing for faults. So a couple of just things going through wrapping it up here when sorry doesn't work is when it moves from endearing overuse to actually undermining us, our leadership, people's respect for us and the validity of a true apology. And a couple of things that we can do is we can apologize for faults but not just for feeling bad. That we can flip the script from I'm sorry to bother to is now a good time, or just moving into something else for us to consider. And the last one is getting comfortable with saying no, and we need to be aware and mindful of our priorities and all of those things so that we can say no. But getting comfortable with saying no allows us to say yes and to say sorry when sorry is the most appropriate thing. So, as we go, something for you.

Jon Kidwell 11:31

Think about one of these areas, kind of the I'm sorry to bother you, the apologizing for faults, not feeling bad, or where maybe you need to say no, send me a message on social media and then the other thing to do is this is hard and it takes somebody to walk alongside you with because you're going to be changing behavior.

Jon Kidwell 11:50

So take this episode. Think about somebody you work with where you all have already been having this conversation around oh, we do this too much. We need to get better at this. Share this episode with that person. So now you have a compadre, somebody that can be a you know sorry, not sorry check-in friend, so that you all can do this together and support each other in being assertive, being apologetic when needed, but not overly apologizing and undermining what you are trying to do at work and the type of individual and character you are trying to portray. Thanks so much for being here today. I hope you got a lot out of it. I hope that you can move forward with even more confidence and focus on leading the business and the people well and I am not sorry about that. You are going to go, do great things, get after it, be well, god bless and lead on my friends.